http://ozbots.wordpress.com/2008/03/16/wantedvictim/ jezze * catsy * angelo * aldrich * gj Tue, 01 Apr 2008 06:07:46 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 http://ozbots.wordpress.com/2008/03/16/wantedvictim/#comment-138 When ‘Forgive and Forget’ is a Farce « Life & Times Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:45:13 +0000 http://ozbots.wordpress.com/?p=21#comment-138 [...] to the conversation with words of wisdom from my student’s essay: You let go, not for them, but for yourself – that you may have peace of mind, that you may be [...] [...] to the conversation with words of wisdom from my student’s essay: You let go, not for them, but for yourself – that you may have peace of mind, that you may be [...]

]]> http://ozbots.wordpress.com/2008/03/16/wantedvictim/#comment-131 Wonderwoman Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:18:19 +0000 http://ozbots.wordpress.com/?p=21#comment-131 SUMMARY Jezze narrates her childhood experience on having held a grudge to a bully back in first grade. eventually she forgave her. she realized that letting go of the past will give one peace of mind. ASSESSMENT the post showed a well thought reflection on the experience. narration contained good descriptions, though the part that needed the most description or at least the one that was supposed to hold the greatest tension was somewhat written bluntly. maybe it would have been better if you described how exactly Lyn got mad at you first. the organization was a little confusing as well. the part where you narrated your plot for revenge to Lyn, then you slipped your realization in, then you preach a little, then you narrated the Lyn incident again this time to show how you arrived at your realization, then you preach again. i think it would be better if you narrated the Lyn incident throughout before putting in your realization. though i doubt you'd adopt that traditional style of writing with your creativity and all. and i also mentioned about the realization being a bit preachy--probably, rather than addressing the readers, you should be talking in first person, since you started with a narrative, it was your experience and your realization as well. since this is your reflection paper, it would look more honest if you showed how you realized it from your perspective. also, i don't think your intro is proper for a reflection paper. and the reason i thought it was preachy was that you kept addressing the readers. the fact that you are aware of your readers while you're reflecting on something is like reading the script of a commercial or something. maybe a different (but still creative) approach? SUMMARY
Jezze narrates her childhood experience on having held a grudge to a bully back in first grade. eventually she forgave her. she realized that letting go of the past will give one peace of mind.
ASSESSMENT
the post showed a well thought reflection on the experience.
narration contained good descriptions, though the part that needed the most description or at least the one that was supposed to hold the greatest tension was somewhat written bluntly. maybe it would have been better if you described how exactly Lyn got mad at you first.
the organization was a little confusing as well.
the part where you narrated your plot for revenge to Lyn, then you slipped your realization in, then you preach a little, then you narrated the Lyn incident again this time to show how you arrived at your realization, then you preach again. i think it would be better if you narrated the Lyn incident throughout before putting in your realization. though i doubt you’d adopt that traditional style of writing with your creativity and all. and i also mentioned about the realization being a bit preachy–probably, rather than addressing the readers, you should be talking in first person, since you started with a narrative, it was your experience and your realization as well. since this is your reflection paper, it would look more honest if you showed how you realized it from your perspective. also, i don’t think your intro is proper for a reflection paper. and the reason i thought it was preachy was that you kept addressing the readers. the fact that you are aware of your readers while you’re reflecting on something is like reading the script of a commercial or something. maybe a different (but still creative) approach?

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